You’re kind to others – but when alone with your partner, a whole different side to you roars out. If this sounds terribly familiar, you probably ask yourself often: “Why am mean to my boyfriend?”
Not just that, but your partner has no clue why you’d act so mean and what he’s done to deserve it.
Keep reading to figure out why you become mean to your partner – and what you can do to stop it.
How Mean are You?
What you consider as mean behavior can be entirely different from what someone else would label as “mean” – which is why it can be so hard to see our true colors when someone calls it out.
There are a few questions you need to ask in order to determine how mean you really are:
- Are you attacking your partner verbally for the smallest issues?
- Do you snap at your partner out of nowhere?
- Do you struggle to contain your emotions when things don’t go your way?
- Is your aim to hurt your partner when you feel angry or frustrated?
- Does your partner ask you not to abuse him?
- Do you feel angry and upset at things he says to you or does?
You should then be able to establish how mean you really are – and what situations might trigger it.
Are You Mean – Or Do You Suffer From Low Self-esteem?
One of the reasons you might be mean to your partner is because you are desperately trying to prove yourself. You’ve built an image of yourself and your relationship that you want to protect – and when reality clashes with that image, you lash out. You don’t want to accept that your relationship is anything but perfect.
Another reason is that you have accepted that you are the “bad partner” and beat yourself up. You don’t know how to break the pattern and it harms your self-esteem.
What Does He Do That Actually Annoys You?
Are there things that your partner does that annoy the hell out of you – which cause you to be mean to him? What are the real reasons you get so edgy?
Here are a few situations that you might recognize that lead you to be mean to him:
- He takes ages to answer your texts, so you end up feeling frustrated and like you are not really a priority to him.
- He checks out other women and flirts, which makes you feel worthless.
- He doesn’t seem to listen to your properly – even when you really need his undivided attention.
- He makes fun of you, of things you like, or of your friends.
- He’s emotionally immature – and you get the sense that he always will be.
He doesn’t deserve you being mean to him, but you just can’t help yourself – because some of the things he does are just utterly frustrating and even hurtful. You want to hurt him back, because, in a strange way, it makes you feel better.
You don’t really care how he feels as long as you make that point. This isn’t really a win for you though; it’s a big loss – for both partners and the relationship as a whole.
Why Am I So Mean on My Period?
One of the most common situations in which you probably snap at your partner is when PMS-ing. You can literally become a beast! The last thing you’ve got the patience for is your partner, especially if he doesn’t seem to understand how you’re feeling.
Men tend to belittle women’s periods, and a stigma has always been associated with it. So not only are you feeling like a ball of raging hormones, but you’ve also got a partner who can’t even empathize with it at all. It’s a recipe for a complete disaster!
The best thing to do when you feel that way is to isolate yourself from him for a couple of peak PMS days and not meet with him until you feel a lot calmer. You’ll be doing both of you a massive favor and you won’t feel the need to snap at him.
Sure, you might still send a few passive-aggressive texts – but it’ll be nowhere near the same as if he was in front of your face that entire time.
Why Am I So Mean to My Boyfriend When I’m Drunk?
Another common situation in which you probably find yourself being mean to your boyfriend is when you’ve had a bit too much to drink. You almost don’t see it coming until it’s too late! You end up regretting it all, but the damage has been done. It’s such a common pattern.
We tend to get extra honest and really speak our minds when under the influence, so it’s no surprise that you might be extra mean to your boyfriend. If you’ve boiled up some thoughts and feelings, it may all come to the surface when you’re drunk.
The worst thing about it is that you probably won’t even remember it the next day. You’ll likely regret what you said to him in the heat of the moment (at least as soon as your boyfriend recaps the conversation).
Is there a way to avoid being mean to someone when drunk? Definitely! Know your limits and know when you need to have an honest conversation with your partner. If you don’t do it when sober, it might all come out at the worst possible moments – when drunk!
Why Being Mean is Bad for You
There are a lot of things that can be said about being mean, and most of them aren’t positive. It can be hugely negative for you and your stress levels if you can’t control your emotions or anger.
It can alienate you from friends and family and ruin your relationship. Whether you mean the things you say to your partner during your episodes or don’t, chances are he will be hurt.
Your words will linger in his mind and will make him question the relationship, your morals, and your respect for him. Why would you be mean to someone you love – except if you don’t really love him?
He’ll be thinking all sorts of things and will probably be right to leave you. No one wants extra drama in their life – and certainly, no one wants to be someone’s dumping ground.
It seems you are trapped in a loop of unhealthy behavior. You’ve become toxic, and need to stop. The truth is, being mean is really bad for you and those around you.
Why Can’t I Stop Being Mean to Him?
Now, this is a tricky question – and not so easy to answer. It depends on the individual, the relationship, and all sorts of external factors. There can be multiple scenarios you need to consider, like the ones listed above.
Is it Your Fault?
If you blame yourself for being mean to your boyfriend, you’re probably carrying a lot of shame and regret – which are horrible feelings. The reality is, when in a relationship, there are always two adults involved.
You may be mean to your partner, but have you asked yourself why is he putting up with it? Why isn’t he setting boundaries?
You have to consider that if he’s choosing to be with you despite you being mean to him, it must be because he’s getting something out of the relationship after all.
This isn’t to say that you being mean to someone who’s doesn’t deserve it is justified – but it should help you shift your focus from thinking “I’m such a horrible person” to “Why would this person stay with me?”
Try to focus on the positives – and improve your behavior from there.
How Can I Stop Being Mean?
1. Be honest.
Talk to him about how your “bitchiness” isn’t his fault – and that you’re committed to changing. You have to be comfortable enough to admit that you are in the wrong and that being mean to him is wrong.
You know it hurts him, and it hurts the relationship.
2. Find a healthier way to manage your anger and stress.
Snapping at your boyfriend isn’t normal, and you know it. The more often it happens, the more you’ll be hurting him.
Find a good workout program, start meditation, and educate yourself on the best tips to tackle anger issues. You have to learn to stop it as soon as you feel it take over you before you snap. That’s the real trick!
3. Work on your self-control.
If you feel that you’re getting “in a mood”, tell your boyfriend. It’ll serve as a little warning and will help you avoid conflict. Go for a walk, listen to some music, and avoid him for a bit – until you’ve managed to take a few deep breaths and shift your focus on positive thoughts again.
4. Empower him to call you out.
You have to trust that your boyfriend can help you. He isn’t the enemy. Allow him to call you out when you’ve crossed the line; it’ll help you understand yourself better.
It’s like someone holding a mirror to your face. You can’t run away from who you are for too long.
5. Compliment him more.
Make a huge effort to really notice all the great things about your boyfriend – and then, go out of your way to tell him. The more you compliment him, the more he’ll feel seen, valued, and appreciated.
Notice the small things and focus on positivity – and you won’t have time to get angry at him. Everyone appreciates positive affirmation, so you can trust that it will help your relationship a lot.
6. Find your triggers.
If you find out what about your partner’s behavior triggers you, you have the power to not react. It is all about self-awareness and a willingness to admit that you are not perfect. As long as you know what gets your blood boiled, you can choose to change your ways and reactions.
7. Assess the relationship.
If you’re often mean to your partner for no apparent reason, it’s time to sit down with him and talk about the relationship in its entirety. Make a list of the good and the bad things.
Talk about what you want to improve, and any non-negotiables. Establish what keeps you together and would never wish to change.
This is a tough part of your recovery – because you might come to realize that you are profoundly unhappy in your relationship and that your unhappiness manifests itself as snappiness towards him.
It might be all on a totally subconscious level, but it’s still valid. If the relationship isn’t working, you might already be trying to jeopardize it in order to have a reason to get out.
8. Talk to a professional.
The above action plan might or might not work for you – so depending on the severity of your issue, you might want to talk to a counselor. This will give you the best chance at dealing with your anger issues and controlling your mean episodes.