Knowing what you want is usually considered a good thing. Having a vision, certain standards, and good attention to detail can all be extremely helpful in life – but when you find yourself a little too focused (READ: obsessed) on every detail in your romantic relationship, the penny drops.
Are you trying to control your partner?
Are you telling him what to do and what not to do a little too often?
Are you the one making all the decisions in the relationship, leaving him with little to no say?
Do you feel like it has to be you planning everything, all the time – because you know best?
Do you get the feeling that nothing will get done unless you micromanage the situation?
Are you obsessed with knowing what he spends his money on?
If you answered yes to the above, it means you’re obsessed with control, which can take its toll on your partner – and you probably don’t even know how much!
Your controlling behavior can feel totally natural to you, but the man next to you is like “WTF?”
How can you tell if you’re harming the relationship with your mania for control? Is your behaviour normal or a little crazy? Should you be afraid that your partner has had enough of you?
Here are 12 sings you’re a control freak in your relationship.
1. You feel the need to go through his phone.
For most people, their phone is a private place. They want to feel that it’s their private property, free of prying eyes – and that’s totally normal. What isn’t normal, is you feel the need to know what your partner is doing every single minute, who he’s texting, and what websites he’s looking at.
- Do you insist on knowing his phone passcode, his Facebook password, and the lot?
- Do you check his phone when he’s in the other room or in the shower?
- Do you generally feel like you need to know what’s going on?
He might have nothing to hide, but if your paranoia is getting the best of you, you’ll be acting a little crazy – and he’ll feel like you don’t trust him at all.
Checking someone’s phone is a violation of their privacy – especially if they don’t know you’re doing it. Get a grip on yourself! These 6 Ways to Learn How to Trust Your Boyfriend might help you fix this issue.
2. You don’t like his friends.
A typical control freak wants to control every aspect of their partner’s life – including their friendships. You probably don’t really like his friends, and you make him aware of it.
You aren’t at all excited when he goes out without you, and you text him a lot during the time he’s gone. You’re not keen on double dates or hanging out with his mates much. It’s just not your thing – because you feel like you’re losing control.
You wonder what they are saying about you in your absence, if they are making fun of you, if you’ve been found out? It freaks you out, so you do your best to stop him from hanging out with his friends a lot.
In fact, you’re more than happy if he just loses himself in the relationship with you and spends all his time with you. It’s how you feel the safest and you know you are in control.
3. All relationship plans are about you.
Have you noticed that all the plans you make as a couple are somehow driven by you? It’s all on your terms, according to your schedule, and what feels best for you. He rarely gets a say in any plans, and you aren’t even that bothered by it.
You feel like you know what’s best for the relationship – so you just go ahead and make decisions without even checking in with him. Then, you get shocked if he wants to cancel, or if he complains that you didn’t even ask him.
What did you expect? A relationship is a union. It’s not about one person making all the decisions and the other one just tagging along.
Often you probably disguise your decisions as simply wanting to help him, or guide him, or speed things up – but the reality is, some decisions are based on a discussion – and you can’t just ignore his say in them.
Otherwise, he might as well not be in the relationship in the first place!
4. You mistrust him.
When you’re a control freak in the relationship, there’ll be a lot of things that happen that make you angry, or you simply can’t accept. You may feel angry, confused, and betrayed. You probably accuse your partner of lying to you when you feel like your sense of order is disrupted.
Nothing ever seems like the full truth to you. You’re always a little sceptical of what he’s telling you, and you don’t quite know what to believe.
You have really high expectations of your partner, and you feel like he’s constantly failing to meet your standards. You both end up disappointed – you feel like he’s not trying hard enough, and he feels like he can’t try any harder.
Being a control freak is often linked to low self-esteem. You may seem confident, assertive, and determined – but deep down, you feel powerless, and the only way not to be found out is to stay on top of every situation.
5. You struggle to ask for help.
You just can’t seem to do it. You’ve probably noticed that you have the same issue at work, and it’s very similar in your relationship.
When you refuse to ask for help or can’t delegate even the simplest task to your partner, you’re basically telling him that you don’t believe he’s up to the task. You’re basically saying:
“This is my task! This is my responsibility, and no one else can do it better than I can. No one understands this as well as I do, so it must be me tackling this. Back off.”
Even if you trust your boyfriend, not being able to delegate to him is sending pretty strong signals that you don’t.
6. You get grumpy with him.
When things don’t go your way, you tend to get grumpy. You might deny it or even laugh it off when people notice – but deep down, it’s killing you. You want to be in control – and that’s only your thing!
If you tend to get grumpy with your partner whenever something doesn’t go as planned, it’s time to address your obsessions with control and ask yourself whether it’s worth it.
Better yet, what’s the worst thing that would happen if you just let go and learn to go with the flow a little bit more?
7. You feel good about your obsession with control.
There may be many reasons why you feel the need to control every aspect of your relationship – but most of all, if you feel good about it, it’s a sign that it gives you comfort, confidence, and peace of mind. It’s become part of who you are and how you live your life.
You believe that doing things a certain way and having certain standards means that you know what to expect of a situation, so there are no unexpected surprises. If it goes all wrong, you’ve only got yourself to blame – but you feel extremely annoyed about it.
You can avoid being the control freak by dropping your expectations – but then, you won’t get the dopamine you get when you do things your way. Going off course probably feels too scary for you; you’d much rather know what to expect and how things are going to pan out.
8. You criticize him a lot.
You love your partner, but you can’t help but pick on what he does – somehow, all the time. Sometimes it’s about the smallest thing, but you still do it – making him feel like he’s failing you. All you know is how to complain.
All boyfriends do annoying things. Maybe he chews too loudly, puts his feet on the coffee table, or spends hours in the shower. Somehow, it’s bugging you – and you feel the need to tell him that.
Practice gratitude and take a long moment to pause when you feel the need to judge him for something he has said or done. Appreciate what you’ve got and the fact that he accepts your control mania. He might not do it for long.
9. You’re obsessed with cleaning.
Of course, it’s really nice to be clean and tidy – but if your obsession with control is making you clean every five minutes, you need to rethink this. Also, are you expecting too much of your partner? Are you making a fuss if there’s just a little bit of mess in the home?
Just because you feel the constant need to put everything in order, doesn’t mean that this is also a realistic expectation of him. Practice letting go – and don’t expect your boyfriend to notice every little detail that’s bothering you around the place.
10. You plan every single detail when you travel.
Travel is supposed to be fun and relaxing. You’ll also benefit from being a little more spontaneous. However, if you’ve got the controlling streak in you, you probably have no idea what spontaneity actually means – and you probably avoid it like the plague.
Are you planning every travel itinerary to the last detail weeks or even months in advance? Are you worried that if you don’t have dinner booked for every night of your stay, you won’t find a table?
The beauty of traveling is that you should expect the unexpected. You should be fine with getting lost once in a while and embrace the unknown.
If you plan every single moment of your trip, you won’t have time to truly enjoy it. You’ll be too preoccupied with making sure you’re in the right place at the right time.
11. You insist on being right all the time.
Relationships are about compromise – and if you fail to be the bigger person in an argument then you’ve failed to show love to your partner in a difficult moment. You’re probably a control freak if you feel like you always have to win – no matter the situation or discussion.
You may even get the feeling your partner isn’t even listening anymore. He knows you won’t back down or make a compromise, so he has no other option. This isn’t a healthy relationship, and you know it.
If you find it hard to admit your mistakes, you’ll struggle to keep your relationship for long. No one wants to feel like they’re playing second fiddle to their partner all the time.
Also, just because he doesn’t want to take your advice on everything, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. You need to give him the space to make his own decisions.
12. You control his finances.
This is one of the biggest and most telling signs that you’re a control freak, and perhaps one that’s obvious to outsiders too. If you feel like it’s totally alright for you to direct what he spends, then you need to know that it’s not okay.
The Bottom Line
Being an overly controlling partner in a relationship is a surefire way to bring your relationship’s end. Don’t be a control freak! If you’re making your relationship toxic, here are 9 Ways To Stop