In an ideal world, both you and your partner would be perfectly honest with one another – but as anyone in a successful relationship will tell you, that isn’t always the case.
You might be thinking ‘Is it really so normal to lie to the love of your life‘? While we’re not advocating straight up creating a new identity, even the most concrete relationships may involve some lying.
Read on to find out when it’s okay to lie, when lying is not okay, and what you can do when you’re lied to.
When is Lying Okay?
Here’s the thing: lying in a relationship is natural on certain levels.
For example, you know fully well that you overspent on a new pair of heels while you guys were trying to save. It isn’t exactly the thing you want to be honest about.
Or if you ask whether that dress makes you look fat – you can’t possibly be honest about that!
When it comes to lying, there’s a pretty broad range with what is acceptable or not. Telling a little white lie here and there doesn’t make you a bad guy – but there’s a difference in opinion on how much lying in a relationship is okay.
People lie to save face, avoid confrontation, protect their egos, protect their reputation, or to simply avoid harming their partner’s needs in relationships.
Healthy lies often include holding back or softening a reality to protect someone’s feelings or support someone. The focus is on issues of kindness, courtesy, tact, reverence, and appreciation.
When Does Lying Become a Problem?
Having a habit of lying isn’t good for your relationship. Essentially, if you continue to tell your partner lies – whether you believe they are harmless or not – they’ll lose faith in you.
Every relationship is different, and every person has different needs that ensure that they feel safe and secure. However, making a habit out of lying isn’t the best way forward.
There are 6 types of lies that are a sure sign of trouble in a relationship:
1. Lying About Relationships With Others
If your partner is ominously quiet about their work relationships or who they’re texting all day long, it might be a sign of trouble. Of course, you don’t have to be the nagging partner who can’t seem to give their partner some space – but beware: where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Even if they aren’t actively cheating on you, hiding things means that they’re inclined to do so. Why should they conceal it or be less than truthful if they aren’t doing anything shady?
2. Lying About Cash
It is best to freely and frankly talk about money, especially in long-term relationships. Lying about money will lead to a feeling of mistrust that is damaging to the relationship.
Money can also be a big cause of trouble for many couples.
If your partner lies about their job status, investments (both good and bad), and even about things they buy, there’s a good chance you’re being kept in the dark without knowing.
3. Lying About Their Ex
If your partner boasts a little too much about getting over their very serious relationship with their ex, you should be suspicious.
This is a guy who misses no chance to compare you to his ex, and the worst part is that she always wins.
This means that he isn’t truthful about his emotions. While it may look like it doesn’t matter in the short run, problems may arise if this aloofness is left unchecked.
4. Lying About Their Past
While nobody expects you to know everything about someone from the first date, it may be cause for worry if your partner actively avoids talking about their past.
Some things are better left private – like a terrible breakup or their parent’s divorce. However, if it seeps into the basic essence of your relationship, you should raise some alarms.
If the big stuff of your past isn’t shared, you’re left questioning whether you’re important to them at all.
Give your partner a safe place to share their past, and see if it helps them open up.
5. Lying About Sex Life
Let’s be honest. Good sex is a pivotal aspect of a happy relationship. You and your partner must be frank about challenging subjects, including fetishes, preferred positions, and sex drive. This spark will keep your relationship alive and help it last longer.
However, if your partner shies away from talking about their “body count” or worse, looks visibly uncomfortable having sex with you – there must be an underlying issue they’re not being honest about.
6. Lying About What They Want in Life
You and your partner can’t have a successful relationship if you aren’t on the same page regarding what your future should look like. This includes where you want to live, how many children you want, and what your long-term dreams and goals are.
You need to have a clear understanding of who they are and what they want from life. However, if your partner is aloof about these issues – or even lies about them – things may be going south.
What to Do When He Lies to You?
1. Analyze how big the lie was.
Before you react or get hurt, or even confront him about it, think about what the lie was about. Many times people lie about things with good reason to do so.
For example, if your husband isn’t telling you where he spent a big amount of money, there might be a chance that the cause is private to him or that it’s a surprise. If he spent it on his family or even made a bad investment, it’s not the end of the world that he lied to you.
Before reacting, see what the lie was and how big it was.
2. Think about why he lied.
Many people lie about things nobody needs to lie about because they’re scared of what their partner might say and how they’d react. If he’s lied to you about something that he shouldn’t have to lie about, it may be time to analyze why he was so scared to be upfront with you.
What this will do is help you see the lie and betrayal in a new light. Was he scared that you’d be mad or become cold? Was he worried that your reaction would put a big wedge in the relationship?
Thinking about it this way will help bring some clarity.
3. Consider whether there’s a pattern.
People typically lie about the same old things pretty much since they were born. For example, someone who has battled with weight loss may lie about the amount of food they ate or how many pounds they lost. Lying then becomes a habit or a pattern.
If your partner is lying about something he always lies about, then it’s time to analyze the pattern at hand and figure out why it’s hard for him to be honest about this simple thing.
4. Give him space to confess.
Now that you’ve found out that he has in fact lied to you, don’t charge on him and invade his space with loud screams. This will only make him inclined to lie some more – and nobody wants that.
Instead, tell him what you’ve discovered and really give him the space to come clean and tell you everything. If he’s a good guy at heart, he’ll eventually pluck up the courage to be honest with you.
5. Give yourself space to be upset.
While it’s important that you not overreact to the situation, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t react altogether. He lied to you, which has undoubtedly upset you. You have every right to be mad or sad.
If you feel like crying, don’t hold yourself back. Strength doesn’t mean a lack of emotions – it just means knowing how to keep your wits about you even when you feel emotional.
6. React calmly.
No matter how hurt you feel, shouting at him will only make matters worse. Confront him politely, and keep your cool when he opens up to you.
Listen to his justification without any intent to react or explode. Please don’t use or twist his words against him. Make him see how much he hurt you by being the best version of yourself.
7. Think about his justification.
Now that you’ve heard his side of the story, it’s time to mull it over. By now, you’ve given it much thought and have probably known in your heart what this fight really means for your relationship.
- Is he deflecting blame?
- Has he owned up to what he’s done?
- Is he telling the truth, or making a fool out of you?
How he confesses to his lies will define what you should do about it.
8. Decide whether to forgive him.
Now comes the moment of truth. You’ve both had your spats and said what you had to say. There were probably some raised voices, cold shoulders, and quite possibly lots of tears.
Now, you have to decide if you want to forgive him and move on – or if you want to end things on this note. Remember, whatever you do decide, make yourself the center of that decision. Don’t let pressure sway your decision.
9. Communicate your feelings clearly.
If you decide to forgive him, it’s best to tell him how you felt. Did you feel heartbroken, cheated on, or betrayed? Tell him in a manner that he understands.
Effective communication is the best way out of the mess he’s made. When he hears you and listens to how you felt and how you dealt with your emotions, the next chapter of your life begins.
10. Ask him not to do it in the future.
When the dust has settled, it’s time to make some changes to ensure this doesn’t ever happen again. Just because your relationship withstood the toll this lie took on it once, doesn’t mean that it can it again.
Relay to your partner that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated in the future. While this doesn’t need to be a threat, it definitely needs to be made clear.
11. Take the time to heal.
Whether you decide to forgive and live with him or choose to break up with him, there’s no denying that this lie made a big impact on you.
What you deserve is some downtime, preferably alone, to become one with yourself again. While it is good that your relationship is still intact, your heart might not be. Take the time for some much-needed self care – and these 27 self-care ideas are the perfect way to do so.
12. Forgiveness need not be rushed.
Remember, there’s no need to rush into the healing or forgiveness process. They knew you’d get hurt, but still went ahead and lied to you or omitted details that were important to you.
We do encourage forgiving and forgetting, but this doesn’t need to happen right away.
13. Look ahead – and don’t bring up the past.
If you’ve decided to forgive your partner and feel like the relationship can be whole again, try to make this fight the last you talk about the incident. Don’t bring his lie or this fight up every single time you have a new fight. This just shows that you haven’t truly healed.
Realize that it’s better to hurt once by letting him go than getting hurt every day thinking about your past.
14. Give your partner a second chance.
When you decide to offer a second chance, you still need to trust them again. You may not trust them completely immediately, but we suggest you give love another earnest chance.
In every partnership, communication can solve several problems. Your partnership has a good chance to work and thrive if you and your partner try to create a safe space for truthful conversations. However, it won’t succeed if your partner isn’t committed to making improvements.
It’s difficult to re-establish trust, and lying is very difficult to get past. When one partner is continuously dishonest, it’s hard for the other to fix things.
The Bottom Line
Lying can hurt, and it can break your heart – especially if it comes from a special someone. However, being in a relationship isn’t easy – and if you can, we advise you to try making it work.