Living in a sexless marriage is often no good for anyone, even if you typically have a less-than-average sex drive.
If you are struggling in a sexless marriage but are not yet ready to call it quits, there are a few ways to go about satisfying yourself and finding fulfillment without changing your entire way of life.
Satisfying yourself in a sexless marriage can be as simple as having open and honest discussions with your partner.
The more comfortable you feel when it comes to discussing your sexual needs, the more likely you are to find solutions to keep yourself satisfied in the long run.
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Identify your needs and desires
When you are living in a sexless marriage, you will likely experience a myriad of emotions, ranging from anger and resentment to guilt and sadness.
You may feel apathetic if you begin to believe that a lack of sex is just commonly accepted as part of a normal marriage.
The first step to satisfying yourself in a sexless marriage is to identify your own needs and desires.
This can be as simple as reflecting on what it is that you are missing from your marriage at the present time.
Consider the different types of sexless marriages to help identify potential problem areas that need to be discussed or brought to attention with your partner.
Completely sexless marriage
If you are living in a completely sexless marriage, there is likely an underlying cause or trigger. Are you and your partner over-worked and overstressed?
Do your schedules align? How much free time do you have to spend with one another away from children and other obligations?
Do you feel connected with one another? Does your partner still show affection for you? What forms of physical intimacy do currently exist in your relationship, if any?
Reflecting on questions like these can help you to better identify why you may be living in a marriage that is completely sexless.
Little or no interest
Do you find yourself in a nearly sexless marriage that is barely hanging on? Is your partner sometimes interested, but only to shy away at the last minute?
Do you find it difficult to align your schedules or sexual preferences? A marriage that has little sex may simply be out of tune or may need a bit of work.
Sexual mismatch
Do you find it difficult to get on the same page as your partner when it comes to sex? Do you believe you are incompatible with one another?
Being mismatched sexually can be extremely frustrating, especially if you have been married and committed to your partner for any length of time.
Having the ability to openly communicate, negotiate, and try new things can help to bring your marriage back to life in the bedroom.
Once you have a basic understanding of the type of sexless marriage you are living in, you can then begin to reflect on your personal needs and desires.
Ask yourself the following questions when searching to identify what your own needs and desires are in the bedroom:
- What is most important to me when it comes to sex? Am I interested in physical pleasure, or am I looking for an intimate connection with my partner? When I have sex with my partner, what type of connection do we make?
- Why do I feel as if I am in a sexless marriage? Do we still connect? Am I interested in fulfilling a new fantasy?
- Am I still sexually attracted to my partner? Is my partner sexually attracted to me? How can we broach this topic in a kind and positive manner?
- How comfortable am I with exploring new sexual fantasies and experiences? How comfortable is my partner? Is this something that can be discussed openly with my partner, or will we need a third-party, such as a therapist or counselor?
Consider factors that may be contributing to your sexless marriage
When a couple is struggling in a sexless marriage, there are often numerous contributing factors at play that must be identified and investigated.
If you are living in a sexless marriage yourself, the following factors may contribute to the lack of sexual intimacy between you and your partner:
- Low libido or sex drive
- Increase in stress (work, family, relationships)
- Lack of emotional connection with a partner
- Tensions between partners
- Financial strain
- Medications with side effects that may negatively impact libido and sex drive
- Children and child-raising stress
- Resentment or anger due to issues that are not related to sex
- Hormonal issues and/or imbalances
- Aging issues impacting sexual drive and libido
If possible, discuss potential underlying causes and triggers that may be contributing to your sexless marriage.
Although it is not always easy to broach the topic, it is important to be as open and as honest as possible when discussing sexual dysfunction, especially in marriages.
Reevaluate your sexual compatibility
Take the time to reevaluate your sexual compatibility. Discuss your sexual fantasies and the type of sex both you and your partner are interested in.
Simply having discussions regarding your sex life can help you and your partner to rekindle the flame.
Reevaluating your sexual compatibility can also include discussing new and exciting ways to reignite the spark in the bedroom.
When you are reevaluating your sexual compatibility with your partner, consider the type of sex you enjoy as well as the type of sex your partner prefers.
Do you prefer to have sex with the lights on and in more adventurous positions?
How important is it for you to include roleplaying, toys, and other sex gadgets in the bedroom?
Is your partner more reserved, or are they willing to try new things in order to help improve your sex life?
All of these questions should be pondered when you are discussing your sex life and reevaluating your sexual compatibility with your current partner.
Have an open and honest discussion about your sex life
Open and honest discussions regarding your sex life should be a top priority in any marriage.
If you want to keep your marriage going strong, it is essential to vocalize your opinions and to work together to improve various areas of your lives together.
Discussing your sex life openly will help you to get to know what may be bothering your partner.
You can also learn more about what you can do to help with improving your sex life and boosting your partner’s libido.
Begin dating your partner again
One way to help increase the amount of sex you are having in your marriage is to begin dating your partner again.
Choosing to date your partner again is not only a fun and exciting way to shake things up, but it is also a way to reignite the way you see one another in a sexual manner.
Meeting up for dates, asking questions about one another, and even roleplaying as strangers are all ways you can add a bit of flair to any marriage and relationship.
Explore sexual fantasies on your own
Satisfying yourself does not mean leaving your partner or searching for sexual satisfaction from another partner altogether.
It is important to take time to get to know your own sexual fantasies.
Exploring sexual fantasies can help you to tune in not only with what turns you on but also with your own body.
The more in tune you become with your body and the fantasies that excite you, the easier it will become to have conversations with your partner about what it is that you need from them in the bedroom.
If you choose to explore fantasies on your own, you can do so by joining online and local sex communities – just make sure you get your partner’s consent first.
Researching sex positions, styles, and even various sex toys can help you to get in touch with your own sexual urges and fantasies.
Experimenting with different fantasies and ideas can also help you to boost your own self-confidence and self-esteem, which will manifest in the bedroom with your partner.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner
Being vulnerable is key to any long-lasting relationship or marriage.
If you are unable to be open and vulnerable with your partner, you will find it difficult to communicate your sexual wants, needs, and desires.
Having the ability to openly share your fantasies, your fears, and your wants with your partner goes a long way, especially as you work together to rebuild and refresh your sex life.
Take baby steps when getting reacquainted in the bedroom
Whenever you are trying new things in a currently sexless marriage, it is essential to do so by taking baby steps.
Taking baby steps when trying to boost and improve your sex life will help to prevent your partner from feeling overwhelmed, confused, or entirely turned off.
It is also important to always have a discussion regarding any new toys, ideas, or fantasies you would like to introduce into the bedroom before doing so with your partner.
Honest discussions are essential to prevent causing your partner to feel too pressured or thrown off to enjoy the experience.
Consider dabbling in toys, roleplay, and other sexual activities in the bedroom
Consider dabbling in toys, gadgets, roleplay fantasies, and other unique sexual activities or games in the bedroom to help reignite your love life.
Introducing toys, games, and roleplaying fantasies can help you and your spouse to get reacquainted with one another while allowing you to get the pleasure you are seeking.
Using toys and gadgets can also help partners to become more comfortable with one another, allowing you more opportunities to express your wants and desires without feeling embarrassed.
Don’t forget about teasing one another and making the most out of foreplay
One of the most important aspects of a fulfilling sexual relationship includes foreplay, teasing, and sexual intimacy.
Foreplay and teasing cannot be underestimated, even if you are not always in the mood for simple touching.
The right foreplay and teasing can help improve any sexual experience, making a common sexual encounter something you will never forget.
If you are looking to satisfy yourself even more, discuss ways you and your partner can bring touch, teasing, and foreplay back into your relationship.
This can be much easier than diving immediately back into sex and can help to get both partners in the mood.
Knowing how to satisfy yourself in a sexless marriage does not have to require a therapist or counselor.
Communication, optimism, and an open mind go a long way to help rebuild and refresh any marriage, even those that are completely sexless.
With the right tools, resources, and attitude, learn to rekindle the flame of your marriage and begin enjoying the sex life both you and your partner deserve.
