Saying that it isn’t easy to live with a narcissist is an understatement.
Even if you are fortunate enough to not be in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, you will still likely encounter more than one narcissist in your lifetime.
This could be anyone, including your mother, a sibling, or even a roommate.
Narcissists are well known for putting up a facade to make others believe that they are actually decent people, so don’t be surprised if you didn’t realize that your roommate was a narcissist until after the lease was signed.
If you’ve made a legal commitment to reside in the home and/or lack the means to move, you’re going to need to learn how to live with a narcissist. It certainly won’t be easy, but rest assured, it can be done.
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How to live with a narcissistic roommate
When dealing with a narcissistic roommate, you eventually need to move out.
In the meantime, you have no choice but to accept your roommate for who they are, set boundaries, practice self-care, and avoid sharing intimate details about yourself.
You’ll never be able to change a narcissist. You either need to accept them or walk away from the relationship.
Fortunately, roommating doesn’t involve the same emotional ties as a romantic relationship.
But if you dip out on the rent, you can expect the same vengeance and smear campaign that you’d face at the end of a relationship with a narcissist.
Tips for coping with a narcissistic roommate
First of all, don’t kick yourself for failing to realize that you were moving in with a narcissist until after it was too late.
Since narcissism is prevalent in society, it’s statistically probable for a narcissist to enter your life.
Narcissists rarely show their actual colors until after a relationship has been secured. The same is true of narcissistic roommates.
They’ll seem like the nicest person in the world.
Then, once you’re settled in with no immediate way out, they’ll feel comfortable enough to let their guard down and reveal the monster that they truly are.
Recognize that you have the upper hand
Even though you may be stuck, for the time being, there’s little invested in the relationship besides money and financial commitment.
And your narcissistic roommate has no reason to be blatantly abusive towards you.
Being cordial keeps the rent money coming in, and narcissists are all about their own benefit, so they are more likely to treat you a little better than they’d treat others.
So, it’s definitely possible to make the living situation work until you’re in the position to move.
Make an effort to understand narcissism
Education is key when dealing with a narcissist.
Although at this point you have likely deemed your living environment to be as temporary as possible, it’s still smart to learn all you can about narcissism so you can see right through your roommate’s facade.
You’ll never win an argument with a narcissistic roommate, so don’t even bother trying, but if you want to live at peace with them, you need to get a grasp on what makes them tick.
Avoid sharing details about your life
It’s been said that narcissists will use anything you say or do against you.
Naturally, your roommate probably already knows your name, place of employment, criminal record (or lack thereof), and maybe even your credit score.
That type of information goes with the territory of renting a place.
But don’t let them know anything else.
Don’t friend or follow them on social media, and avoid telling them about your family, romantic relationship, or any other personal details about yourself.
Hopefully, the situation will end on good terms, but if not, they’ll find a way to use your openness against you.
Accept your roommate as they are
You don’t have to like your roommate or condone their self-centered behavior, but you do need to accept them.
Remember they are not a project or an injured bird that you can save. Even if you know about their childhood trauma and feel bad for them, you can’t fix them.
Simply pointing out that they’re a terrible cook or are slacking on the housework could cause narcissistic injury and send them into a rage.
Since they are incapable of recognizing and accepting their flaws, change is highly unlikely.
Establish boundaries
Narcissists will take advantage of you whenever they get the chance, so you need to set firm and clear boundaries and stick to them.
Your roommate will undoubtedly test your limits. Don’t allow this to turn into a screaming match.
Calmly and clearly restate your boundaries and leave it at that. Know that they won’t like it one bit, and they’ll likely become disrespectful.
But the boundaries are for you, not them. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s only temporary.
Practice self-care
Whenever you’re living with a narcissist, self-care is of the utmost importance. You may very well face verbal abuse and even need to pay more than your share of the bills.
Eventually, this could take a toll on you emotionally and financially if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Treat yourself to a mani-pedi, say positive affirmations in the mirror every morning, save part of your paychecks towards your goal of moving, and handle your own responsibilities before succumbing to the demands of your roommate.
Expect unfairness
If you’ve ever told your parents that something was unfair, they most likely responded that life isn’t fair.
And sometimes it isn’t. Ideally, household chores and bills should be split equally, but remember that you aren’t living with the average roommate.
It can’t be stressed enough that you can’t win arguments with narcissists. They don’t care about fairness. They’re only concerned about maximizing their own benefits.
If you try to argue, you’ll end up being the one apologizing. Instead, swallow your pride, pull the extra weight, and count the days till your move-out date.
Walk away
While not feeding into the dispute could make your roommate even angrier, you’ll still come out a lot better if you walk away from a budding argument and simply go to your room and (gently) shut the door.
You can always try to talk it out once you both calm down, but don’t expect your roommate to take any responsibility for their part.
While you shouldn’t willingly accept all the blame, you can keep the conversation simple and to the point and move on with your day.
Prepare to move out
If there’s any violence or threats of violence, you should document the incident and consider breaking the lease. What can they do? Sue you in civil court?
But this should be a last resort. Narcissists are pathological liars and skilled manipulators.
Even if you’re in the right, you don’t want to go up against a narcissist in a courtroom unless you absolutely have to.
However, you should start setting aside a percentage of each paycheck towards moving into another place.
Don’t even think about renewing the lease. Since narcissists rarely change, you’ll be signing on for another year of torment.
Moving forward to a new home
After having dealt with a narcissistic roommate and educating yourself on narcissism, you’ll learn how to recognize the telltale signs of a narcissist and be more prepared to make healthier rental decisions in the future.
Avoiding the same mistake
Unfortunately, narcissistic roommates don’t always display the same red flags as partners. They certainly aren’t going to love-bomb you.
So, it makes sense that you may encounter another narcissistic roommate later on down the road.
If possible, room with a friend you know well instead of browsing for room shares online.
Alternatively, you can move back in with your parents or cohabitate with your partner.
Eventually, you may need to look for a better-paying job or consider taking a part-time job on the side to achieve independence and peace of mind.