Some men are just too busy to have a relationship. If you are lucky enough, he will tell you that early on, so at least you know what you are dealing with. But if you are a little bit unfortunate, you may fall in love with someone only to find out later that he isn’t quite available.
It can be a huge disappointment to find out that the guy you like doesn’t have the time to date you and instead spends all his time working or studying.
You can’t exactly judge someone for being too ambitious or too studious, however, it will still hurt to find out he’s got no time for you – or at least not enough time to build a properly committed relationship.
What do you want in a relationship?
All relationships are different. You might be surprised to find out that a lot of women marry guys who are never around (due to work obligations). So, how does that work?
It’s simple – it all starts with deciding what it is that you seek in a relationship. What do you want to have and what can you compromise?
Perhaps you want to see your boyfriend every day, or at least a few times a week. Perhaps you want to move in together and spend every evening at home. Finding out that your expectations differ from his can be tough.
It’s also important to know that you never know how busy your partner will become in the future. You may date someone for years who’s always available, then his career changes and he’s almost never around. For some people this works, but if it’s important to determine what you want out of the relationship to know if this will work for you.
What’s behind his busyness?
A guy who’s always busy isn’t necessarily someone who doesn’t like you. He might like you a lot, but his priorities lie elsewhere. For example, if he isn’t satisfied with his job then he may dedicate more time to working towards his career goals.
Here are some of the reasons why he might always be busy:
- He’s got a demanding job and he needs to put in extra hours
- He’s got his own business and he needs to give it all of his attention
- He’s studying a tough subject and has to put in the hours
- He’s got a family member he needs to take care of
- His family rely on him to provide for them so he needs to work two jobs
- He’s bad at time management and some tasks just take him ages
It’s important to establish the reason why he’s always busy and figure out whether that will change anytime soon, whether you can find a middle ground, or if you simply need to find someone else.
It’s okay if you don’t want to stick around and play second fiddle to his career or schooling, you just have to be honest with yourself and with him. There’s nothing worse than pretending you are okay with his busy schedule only to end up secretly resenting him.
What does a relationship need?
When the guy you date is always busy, it may feel like your relationship is moving at a snail’s pace. The rare opportunities you do get to hang out may even feel a little awkward, like you are starting from scratch every time.
A few months have passed and you:
- Are still kind of getting to know him
- Haven’t met any of his friends or family yet
- Haven’t introduced him to any friends or family of yours yet
- Are struggling to make any holiday plans
- Don’t feel like you have built a deeper emotional bond due to the lack of time
- Feel like he’s always rushing and never fully focused on you when you are together
- Feel like you are always nagging him to spend more time with you
- Feel like he vanishes for days at a time
A relationship needs regular nurturing if it’s to be a healthy one. It means both parties putting in the work regularly. It also means that if you are separated, you are at least still communicating.
His being busy probably makes you feel abandoned, undervalued, and ignored. It can easily build resentment, which isn’t healthy in any relationship. For a relationship to truly thrive, you need to spend plenty of time together and have a solid plan that suits you both for the times that you are apart.
How common is this?
The problem with a partner being too busy to date is becoming more and more common. We live in such a busy time where everyone seems to be career-driven and rushing around.
Nothing we have is good enough and we always seek the next best thing – both at work and in our personal lives. Can you handle this type of dating?
That’s something that you’ll have to figure out over time. To help, here are some tips for how to date a guy who is always busy.
He doesn’t have time for you? Get busy!
One solution for a boyfriend who doesn’t have time for you is simply to become busy yourself. This isn’t about punishment, but about creating balance in the relationship. It will shift your focus from him to you.
The busier you are, the less time you will have to stress about him and will be less preoccupied with the relationship and his absence. It’s the best way to create a shift in the dynamic and take it from there.
You might still think about him and miss him a lot, but the time you spend developing yourself is invaluable.
When you’ve got enough going on in your own life, something special happens – you become less needy and less desperate for his attention. You shift from interdependence to independence, which will bring you to a new level of contentment.
It may not be a long-term solution for the relationship, but it will at least help you live your life to the fullest, focusing on the things you want to achieve and the people you enjoy spending time with.
The more he sees you being busy and not waiting around for him, the more he will be drawn to you. You will soon see that he texts and calls you more. Especially if he gets worried that you might meet someone else in the meantime.
A word of warning – he might not necessarily be inspired to make more effort; in which case you need to ask yourself – is this relationship going to work?
He’s too busy for a serious relationship? Talk about it…
When you are dating someone casually, his absence might not be the biggest issue. It’s the fact that he won’t commit to a serious relationship that is bothering you.
Every time you bring it up, he either dodges your questions or says something about how he will be really busy in the coming months, how he needs to travel a lot, how he can’t give you a definite answer.
He seems to always have an excuse as to why he can’t have a serious relationship with you. You can hear it in his voice. Are you starting to feel neglected? Like you are just wasting your time?
The key to a good relationship is balance, and you can only achieve that through talking. Without open and honest communication, you won’t be able to compromise.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming he doesn’t want a serious relationship at all. If he really likes you, he will at least make an effort to talk to you about it.
He’s busy all the time? Make concrete plans together!
If you have just started dating someone who is always busy, the best thing you can do is make concrete plans with them and be strict about them. Don’t wait for Friday to come to check in on him and whether he feels like hanging out during the weekend.
Make plans with him the previous weekend so you know he’s less likely to bail and you have something to look forward to.
Another issue to watch out for with someone who’s constantly busy is that by the time he’s free to meet, he’s probably already too exhausted to do anything that is of value to the relationship. All he wants to do is crash on the sofa and watch TV, then sleep.
This can certainly take its toll on the relationship, because you may feel like you are constantly pestering him to get out of the house and do stuff with you. You probably don’t want to spend every weekend on the sofa with him.
Try and build some balance into the relationship – one weekend you go with your plans and preferred activities, the next, with his.
He is always busy? He might be stringing you along.
No matter how much you like or love this guy, you have to consider that he might be stringing you along. If you have given him plenty of time but you don’t notice any desire from him to change his relationship with work, it might be a sign for you to leave.
There’s only so much you can compete with his job before you feel completely unappreciated. You know you deserve to be happy, and you shouldn’t always come second.
He’s always busy? He might be dating more than one woman.
Another red flag to watch for is the possibility that he might not be a one-woman man. You’d be surprised how many men juggle more than one woman and prefer to casually date around.
If you know he’s not at work and he’s not with any specific friend, but he still says he’s busy, there might be something else going on.
What if you are in a long-distance relationship?
Long-distance relationships are tough – there’s no doubt about that. As romantic and fulfilling as they can be, they are also incredibly hard to maintain. This is especially true if you have found yourself dating someone who’s not just far away, but is also constantly busy.
He might even enjoy being busy because it keeps him occupied and it’s a little easier to manage the distance. It’s also easier for him to stay away from meeting other girls. The problem is that you want to talk to him regularly, and you get the feeling it’s becoming impossible.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship. If he wants to be with you, he needs to make time for you.
At the end of the day, dating a guy who is always busy can be as easy or as hard as you make it. You have to be honest with yourself and with him about how much time you require from this person and how flexible you can be.
There will be certain “relationship rules” that will help you make it work, but only if both of you are committed to them. And of course, it helps if you really understand the nature and demands of his job.
No one can tell you whether you should or shouldn’t stay with someone who’s permanently busy. No one can tell you what the ultimate amount of time is that you need to spend with the person you are dating.
Every relationship is different. Make sure yours works for you.