If there’s one thing that is a sure-fire way to ruining a romantic relationship, it’s being unable to control your emotions.
Men and women may be different in relationships but ask any guy out there what’s one thing he hates about his girlfriend, he will most certainly say something to do with nagging, complaining or snapping out.
Why is it that when a woman feels frustrated, angry, or jealous, she might snap at her loved one? It really can ruin a good relationship if one partner can’t practise self-control and show respect for the other.
So why do girls snap at their boyfriends?
First things first, you are reading this article because you probably realise you’ve got an issue to fix. You’ve probably had a few (or one too many!) angry episodes with your boyfriend and you’ve upset him. Before you work on the issue, you really need to try and figure out why you do it.
What’s lying at the root of the problem? Is it that you get annoyed with the little things your boyfriend says, or does? Is it that you can’t control your jealousy? Or is it, that you are just an emotional, angry type of person?
If you are done blaming your boyfriend for how he makes you feel that makes you snap at him, and ready to take responsibility for changing your behaviour, then read on.
1. Face the monster
You want to get to the bottom of why you snap at him, often without apparent reason? Start capturing your thoughts and emotions on a piece of paper and examining what they truly mean. It may seem counterproductive to focus on angry thoughts, when so much advice out there says to focus on journaling about positive and grateful thoughts but chances are this practice will lead you to knowing yourself better than you think.
By facing your demons, you are telling yourself that you can do better, that you are better than your worst emotions. Dedicate time each day or week to download all the negativity that you don’t want to give to your boyfriend (or anyone else in your life for that matter!)
You might start with capturing your frustrations for a week, then read them out load, or even share them with your significant other. Is it that you are projecting your fears and anger issues on him? Is jealousy taking its toll on you? Or perhaps you are insecure in the relationship and don’t know how best to express your frustrations?
Maybe the reason is not even connected to your boyfriend, maybe it’s an external trigger that makes you agitated and angry?
Whatever the root cause, before you take the time to define it, you won’t be able to tackle it.
2. Next time you get angry, count to 10
This is a great practice which you need to implement straight away in order to stop snapping at your boyfriend, so just try it next time. If you feel your blood boil just take a few deep breaths (inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth) and count to 10. If you still feel like snapping at him after, you may need to count to a 100.
Why this works? Reframing the mind, letting oxygen in the brain and watching our breath always help calm us down – it literally works every time. It’s really as easy as that!
That being said, it doesn’t mean that counting to 10 or a 100 will automatically erase the anger that you are feeling. It might just stop the external reaction to it which is your ultimate aim. However, it’s still really important that you acknowledge the feeling, then sit with that feeling for a while. Feel the anger in your body and familiarise yourself with what it actually feels like – is your heart beating faster, or your palms sweating, is your neck tense or chest burning?
Anger has a multitude of reactions in the body and allowing yourself to sit with the anger, and practise self-soothing can be a powerful way of dealing with it.
3. Remove yourself from what stresses you out
Nobody is perfect – no human and no relationship should pretend to be. So next time you feel angry or annoyed at him, try and remove yourself from the situation, even if it means abruptly leaving the room, or the house for a bit.
You are sat in a restaurant together and you feel like punching him in the face? Go to the ladies and splash some cold water on your face. Again, you are choosing to get angry and snap, or control your emptions and act like an adult. It literally is your choice, as hard as it may feel at the time.
You have to trust that you are capable to move yourself from a feeling of bitter rage, to a feeling of inner calm, it takes a lot of practice, but it is worth it.
4. Invest time in yourself and practise meditation
People who practise meditation are on average a lot calmer and more composed than those who don’t. Making time to start your day with even 10 minutes of meditation is a sure way to put you in a better mood and bring perspective to things.
Meditation practise is the art of being alone with oneself and one’s thoughts and feelings and being okay about it. It’s also the perfect time to reflect on recent events and one’s reaction to them.
5. You are in charge of your own emotions
This will be a tough one to hear, but nobody makes you feel anything, nobody makes you snap or get angry. It is you who chooses how to react to situations, triggers and people in your life. If you are snapping at your boyfriend, you probably tend to snap at others too.
Repeat to yourself often: nobody makes me feel this, I make myself feel this.
Practise self-control and own your emotions, you are the master of your emotions, so blaming others won’t get you to stop exhibiting the bad behaviour.
6. Talk to your boyfriend honestly
In the heat of the moment, it’s highly like that it will be tough to explain to your boyfriend why you act the way you do, or why you feel the way you feel. After you’ve calmed down however, it’s time to address the issue and not avoid it.
If there’s something in your life stressing you out that isn’t even him, it’s important that he knows that. Whether it’s parents, work, school, or another trigger, don’t drop the burden on his shoulders too.
We all lose our tempers at times, but those of us who do it more often need to really work on not allowing emotions to take their toll.
7. Ask for feedback
Self-aware people have got high emotional intelligence and overall tend to cope with life’s events better. Self-awareness is built and worked on daily, it doesn’t happen as easily as saying “I know myself”.
Ask your friends and family for feedback if you are really serious about improving your behaviour. Feedback is a gift and those who use it well are able to grow and improve their lives.
8. Get some endorphins in your body
Happy people are rarely angry people! But there are also exceptions…however we all know what helps improve our mood – whether that’s exercising, listening to loud music, dancing, watching a movie or spending time with friends.
The more of the happy chemicals you’ve got in your body, the less angry you will feel, and the less desire to snap at him, or others.
Find what makes you happy and keeps you relaxed and make space for it, regardless of how busy your day may be. Sometimes it’s as easy as 10 minutes of fast pace walking or dancing to your favourite song.
9. Empower your boyfriend to call you out
The biggest work on your self-control and anger you can do is letting yourself admit defeat, and letting your boyfriend stop you in your tracks. Perhaps you need to agree on a word he says or a gesture he makes when you are about to snap or have just snapped at him.
Maybe you will feel better if he just holds you tight for a few minutes without talking, or you’d prefer it if he left the room. Agree to work on this together, and you will shortly see your behaviour changing.
10. Seek more help
The above tips may help you get better control over your emotions and reduce your need to snap at your loved one. However, there is no magic trick and people are different. If you’ve tried your best and nothing is helping, it might be time to seek professional help.
There is nothing shameful in seeking professional help and talking about your anger and the best way to tackle it.