We’ve all been in situations where we love our partners deeply, but we can’t seem to stop being irritated by them.
Sometimes it is as small as the way they chew, the way they leave their shoes right in front of the door, or the way they leave the toilet seat up (even after you’ve reminded them fifteen times to put it down).
Other times, it’s not the actions they do, but the way they say things, or the way they don’t say anything when you feel like they should.
Often our irritation is caused by unresolved issues, fights that are lingering, feelings that are hurt, words left unsaid.
Other times, it’s personal issues, struggles, and feelings around the relationship. Things we haven’t spoken to our partner about that surface as constant irritation towards them.
Ultimately, no one wants to be in a relationship where you feel frustrated, irritated, and annoyed with the person you are supposed to be closest to.
We have to work through things to find the healthy, secure love that was once there. We have to remind ourselves why we fell for this person in the first place.
So, if you are at a point where you often feel annoyed with your boyfriend or partner, try taking some of these steps to help take your relationship from “ugh” to “aww”!
1. Begin to understand that it’s impacting your relationship
As much as we tell ourselves that everyone gets irritated with their partner and that it’s completely normal and healthy, you need to understand that these feelings will ultimately impact your relationship.
The first step is admitting there’s a problem.
Think about it, when you’re often frustrated with your partner, do you have intimate conversations, share your feelings, or have any form of physical intimacy?
Something that seems as simple and innocent as “being irritated” might lead to real resentment towards this person and the demise of your relationship.
Start seeing constant frustration towards your partner as an issue, not a reality. That way, you’ll actively work to fix and improve it.
2. Take responsibility for your role in the issues
As much as we often like to believe that our partner is the entire, one-hundred-percent, total cause and reason for our irritation and frustration, we need to begin to take responsibility for our part in the issue.
Dig a bit deeper. Are you irritated with your partner because he often forgets to clean up after himself? That’s valid.
But have you positively voiced your feelings about it and tried to come to a solution?
Maybe he doesn’t clean up enough around the house.
You can discuss the issue and find a solution, such as choosing a few days where you blast tunes and clean together as an odd little date!
Or, maybe your frustrations are a bit deeper.
Maybe your partner hurt you, and you are still working to forgive and move on. Or, you might have not even spoken to them about how you feel yet.
How can your partner work to frustrate you less unless you tell them the root cause of your issues?
You need to look inward and see what aspects of this issue are your responsibility and work to fix them.
3. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy
If you find you are often irritated with your partner, it might be a personal issue. Are you taking care of yourself and putting yourself first?
Sometimes we lash out at our partners when we are struggling with our happiness. Other times, we put all of our happiness into our partners.
When that is the case, it is easy to feel hypersensitive about the things they do and their actions towards us.
It is imperative to take time out of your week to do things that put a smile on your face – get your hair done, go shopping, workout, see your pals. This way, you are filling your cup and making sure that you are happy and whole.
A relationship needs two whole and happy people for it to work.
Make sure that you are taking care of yourself and making yourself happy, above everything else.
That way, that happiness will pour over into the rest of your life, including your relationship.
4. Begin trying to let things go
Are you holding things against your partner? Is there unfinished business and unresolved feelings?
When you’re holding on to resentment and negative feelings, it is easy to feel frustrated by anything your partner does.
It’s hard to feel connected to a person you are frustrated with; you can’t feel close and intimate with someone you cannot communicate with and share your feelings.
It’s time to either work on things or let things go.
If you have already had a conversation and resolved the issue, but your feelings are still hurt, it might be time to take some space to move on successfully and feel happy and connected to your partner once again.
Conversely, if you are still holding on to an issue that you haven’t communicated to your partner, it’s time to talk to them and resolve things. Often, when we’re hurt, it’s hard to simply “sweep things under the rug” and leave things unresolved.
Ultimately, when there are hurt feelings or issues, things need to be solved for both people to heal and move on.
5. Try taking space
Along with letting things go, often, we need time and space away from our partners when they are frustrating us (or have hurt us in some way).
“Time heals all” may be a cliche, but it’s said so often for a reason.
Sometimes we need space to understand our feelings. We need to identify our needs and overcome our frustrations towards our partners. This way, when we return to our partner, we can communicate our frustrations and work things out.
Other times we might just be frustrated and irritated with our partner due to spending constant time with them. Especially during a pandemic, we have been in close quarters with the ones we love.
Even if there is no real issue at hand, sometimes space allows you to take some alone time, practice self-care, and feel excited to see them again.
6. Remember that you are allies, not enemies
Above all else, remember that you are a team. You are allies, not enemies.
You should be able to work things out, talk through challenging issues respectfully, and come to agreements that make you both feel safe and happy.
If your partner is regularly irritating you, it’s time to look inside of yourself and begin to understand why.
If there is hurt, hard feelings, or frustrations about aspects of your relationship, you need to open up and speak with your partner about how you feel.
Unless you communicate through your frustrations, they will continue to pile up.
Ultimately, this might result at the end of the relationship.
You need to decide if you’re willing to put your frustrations aside to strengthen your love and move forward.
Remember that you are each other’s support network and that you are in a partnership.
7. Try couples therapy
If you have tried to resolve your issues together and are still irritated, it might be time to reach out to a professional.
Couples therapists can help to strengthen your relationship and communication.
Or, maybe you are struggling to get to the root of the way you feel, and you would like additional support.
Many couples choose to schedule weekly or monthly couples therapy sessions to have professional support and mediate conversations, especially when partners have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye.
Maybe you’ve tried to discuss your feelings with your partner and resolve the lingering hurt you are dealing with, and they haven’t validated your feelings or disagree with your perspective.
A couples therapist will help both parties share their feelings, respect one anothers’ voice, and work to create solutions and resolutions. Therapy allows for partners to have a bit of extra help communicating and resolving conflict.
It is normal to feel irritated with your partner sometimes, especially if you are healing from hurt or unresolved issues. If you feel like you are irritated with your partner regularly and that it’s beginning to affect your relationship, it might be time to take some space, reconnect with your feelings, and attempt to work through things with your partner. No one wants to be frustrated with the person they are supposed to love; it is crucial to come to a solution that will make you feel happier.